Growing Up is Optional
by theicemenace
Summary: Just to keep the insanity going. Spoilers for Avengers: Age of Ultron.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** Warning: Spoilers for _Avengers: Age of Ultron_.

This is a bit of silliness to keep the insanity going. And I can so see this happening.

Many thanks to ladygris and Lady Pandora for the tag-team beta, and to Dellruby for the massive brainstorming session from which I took much of the party scenes.

Namaste,

Sunny

 _Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional._

~ Chili Davis

 **Avengers**

 **Growing Up Is Optional**

 **Chapter 1**

Clint Barton handed the last of the luggage to the porter, and gave each of his kids a kiss, saving his wife for last. "Have a good time."

"I will," Laura assured him as she switched baby Nathaniel from one arm to the other. "Behave while I'm gone."

He smiled. "Define 'behave'."

His charming grin cut no slack with his wife as she gave him a pointed stare. "Don't start any new remodeling projects."

The grin turned into a smirk. "You say that like it's a _thing_."

"It _is_ a thing. If you have ideas, I'm happy to listen _when I get back_." She kissed him one more time. To the baby, she said, "Tell Daddy bye-bye, Nathaniel." Clint kissed the boy on the head, and he stared back with his fingers in his mouth, watching him over Laura's shoulder as they were escorted into the terminal by the porter.

Clint got into the new SUV his wife insisted they needed now that they had three growing kids, buckled in, and pulled away from the curb. An idea hit him when he was almost home. Taking out his phone, he dialed a number from memory. "Hey. How you doing? That bad, huh? I've got just the thing… I just built an outdoor barbecue that needs breaking in… C'mon. It'll be fun. Take your mind off of, you know, things… Tomorrow noonish? Great! See you then."

He made a U-turn and went back into town. On his way, he made a conference call to the rest of the Avengers inviting them to the barbecue as well. "…and bring whatever your poison is."

Stark broke in, overriding all other voices. " _Leave the menu to me, Legolas. I got it covered._ "

Though he didn't want to take advantage of Stark's generous nature, Clint knew that just the mention of a party would excite the billionaire, and he'd offer to foot most of the bill. Clint also knew that arguing with Stark would be an exercise in frustration for both of them, then Stark would do what he wanted anyway. The path of least resistance was to just lay it out, and let him fill in the blanks.

What he really needed was patio furniture. Chairs and tables. Clint pulled into the local discount store and came out with folding chairs, and bags of ice that filled the SUV to capacity. A couple of stockers helped him tie the tables to the luggage rack. He already had plenty of wood for the grill, and if they needed more, well, Rogers would handle that chore.

Turning in the direction of home, Clint cranked up the music and sang along while drumming on the steering wheel. The last party the Avengers attended together didn't turn out so well. This time, it would be different.

 **The Next Day**

The party was in full swing, and even Natasha seemed to be having fun. The group had set up a volleyball net. The teams consisted of Thor, Natasha and Rhodey against Rogers, Wilson and Wanda, with Hill refereeing and keeping score. Vision watched from the sidelines, asking questions in between plays. Stark wandered over to the grill to watch Clint doing the cooking. He sipped from a plastic cup, and Clint got a whiff of bourbon. "Mind doing me a favor, Stark?"

The billionaire waved a careless hand. "Besides paying for everything?"

Clint snorted. "It's an engineering problem."

"Please don't tell me Fury's hiding in the barn again."

"No." Looking around, Clint saw Vision now standing next to the Iron Man and War Machine suits, and waved him over. "Mind keeping an eye on the food? Don't let anything burn, and take it off the grill when it's done. We need two medium rare steaks, three well done and the rest medium. Plates are there," he nodded at a table off to the side.

Inclining his head, Vision took possession of the tongs. "It would be my pleasure, Agent Barton."

Stark fell into step with Clint as he led the way toward the far side of the barn, across the field and into the woods. About a hundred yards in, they came to a shack. Clint entered a code into the state-of-the-art security system and the door opened with a whoosh. The men stepped inside and the door closed behind them.

Waving at the relatively primitive looking equipment, Clint waited for the inevitable question, but it didn't come. Stark walked around the device, hand to his chin, his forehead creased in thought until Clint asked, "Well?"

Standing with his feet planted shoulder width apart and his arms crossed, Stark took a deep breath and exhaled. "Why am I _not_ surprised you have a still, Legolas?"

"You're a riot, Tony. Can you _fix_ it?"

A large cabinet sat in the corner. Without asking, the billionaire opened the doors and pulled out the tool box setting among the raw ingredients that created the product. "Stand back. Or better yet, go attend to your guests while I look this piece of junk over. Jarvis, begin scan."

" _Yes, sir._ "

Summarily dismissed, Clint returned to the house in time to see everyone serving themselves at the buffet table with Wanda bringing up the rear. Clint picked up a plate and got behind her. "Having a good time, Wanda?"

At times like this, the young woman seemed shy, especially around him. She placed a fork and knife on her plate and Clint added a well done steak to it while she examined the some of the offerings with misgiving. "I am, Clint. Thank you for inviting me to your home again. I had hoped to see your family, maybe tell Nathaniel more about his namesake."

Clint chuckled. "He's too young to understand, Wanda."

"Someday, he will, and I want him to know what a good man Pietro was, in spite of the trouble we caused, and the lives that were lost." Wanda moved down the line, peering at the deviled eggs before choosing one and adding it to her plate.

"Better leave that part out for now." He scooped a spoonful of potato salad onto his plate. "And there'll other opportunities for you to talk up Quicksilver."

Nodding, she set her plate down to pour a glass of punch. Even from here, Clint could smell the alcohol, and wondered how her psionics would react if she got drunk, and how she kept her subconscious from causing trouble while she slept. He'd asked her to stay out of his head, and except for one time, she had, as far as he knew. If she had been inside his head, how would he know if she didn't tell him?

He carried her plate and glass to one of the tables then went back for his own, and joined her. A few minutes later, Natasha took one of the empty seats. They ate and drank in silence while watching Thor and Steve chop wood. From their attitudes, it was another test of their egos.

Clint was in the middle of a story about his time in the circus when Stark returned. He pulled up a chair, spun it around and straddled it, his arms resting on the back. "Fixed the problem, and started a new batch, Legolas. Should be done in a couple of hours."

" _Hours?_ The process should take _days_."

"Yeah, that was before I installed upgrades." Stark stood, his eyes scanning the landscape as if contemplating a new acquisition. "I'm gonna hit the john."

Confused, Wanda watched him walk away. "Who is this John I keep hearing about?" Natasha leaned close to whisper in her ear, and Wanda nodded understanding. "Ah. We have a similar reference in Sokovia, but it is not used in polite company."

Natasha filched some of Clint's pasta salad, using the fork to emphasize a point. "It's the same here, but the rules are a little more loose for friends and family."

"I'm honored to be counted among them, Natasha."

The wind started picking up and the sky to darken just as Stark came out of the house. Clint stood, as did Natasha. "Should've checked the weather report. It's getting ready to rain." He whistled to get everyone's attention. "We gotta get everything inside ASAP."

With a sly grin, Wanda touched him on the arm. "Leave that to me, my friend."

Wanda stood with her arms at her sides, palms facing to the front. Clint could see the concentration in her eyes as she brought her arms up and out to the side. A red glow started at her fingertips, spreading to her palms. All around them, the food floated in the air toward the house, entering through the doors and open windows. It was all done in less than a minute. With a flick of her wrist, the cloth chairs followed, folding themselves and stacking against the side of the house on the porch. She looked up, gesturing almost carelessly, and all the windows closed.

Everyone headed indoors, and a few minutes later, the rain came down. Standing on the porch with Stark, Clint watched all his big plans go down the drain.

"Got a raincoat?" Stark asked.

"Why?"

Stark shoved his hands in his pockets. "Someone has to go after the product."

"In the mud room, off the kitchen. Boots too."

The two men went back inside where they found the rest of the guests, including Vision, already involved in playing an FPS video game, with those not actively playing cheering on the others.

Deciding to go low-tech, Clint motioned Stark over to the Foosball table for a fast-paced game with lots of shouting. And naturally, Clint won by a landslide. Clint could've rubbed it in, but let it go this once. "What about darts?"

One side of Stark's mouth turned up in a wry grin. "And get my _ass_ handed to me again? No thanks. Besides, it's time to check on the product."

 **Thirty Minutes Later**

Tony stomped in the back door where he divested himself of the raincoat and boots. With Clint's help, he set six one-gallon jugs filled with amber liquid on the table, drawing everyone's attention. "This is either moonshine or rocket fuel. Who wants to be the first?"

With the exception of Wanda and Vision, everyone raised their hands, loudly pleading their cases for being chosen. Tony pointed. "Wilson. You're up."

He poured a small amount of the liquid into a red disposable cup. Wilson shrugged and grinned. "Here goes nothing." He took a drink, and immediately started choking. " _Man_ , that stuff will _kill_ you!" He finished off the drink, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and held the glass out. "Hit me again."

Tony poured while Clint handed the glasses around, and when everyone had been served, Tony held his glass high. "I'd like to propose a toast. To our wives and girlfriends. May they never meet." There was laughter all around, though Vision and Thor were confused. "Seriously, here's to those who've passed on. Gone from our lives, but not from our hearts."

~~O~~

Clint came into the kitchen from the back porch with another bag of ice. He dumped it into the metal tub he bought just for the occasion, and used an ice pick to break it up.

" _Yo, Barton_ ," Stark called out from the other room. " _Get yer ass out here_."

Picking up the tub, Clint carried it to the table they'd moved to make room. "You wanted ice, Stark. I brought you ice." Then he saw the keyboard in front of the entertainment center. "Nat! You didn't!"

His bestie slipped an arm around his waist and gave a squeeze. In one hand, she had a glass of the moonshine, using it to gesture and slopping it on the floor. "Whoops!" And then she did something he'd never heard her do before. She giggled. Giggled! "I was jus' tellin' our pals here that in 'ddition to playin' drums 'n guitar-which they already knew, by the way-you also play the pee-yano."

Thor was sprawled in the recliner with the footrest down. "Indeed, Friend Barton. Nash-tasha tells us that you are quite profish-nent on this instrument."

Clint stared at Thor with wide eyes. He'd never seen the Asgardian drunk before. And was that _Hill_ sitting on Rogers' lap?

He ducked out of the way when three glasses of moonshine floated through the air. One went to Wanda, the second to Rhodey, and the third hovered in front of Clint's face. He grabbed it before it fell and took a drink. Stark was right. It tasted like peach flavored rocket fuel.

The rest of the group joined in to encourage Clint to play them a song or two. He was about to decline when Wanda spoke up. "I would like to hear you play, Clint. Please."

Wilson stood swaying on his feet near the stairs. "Yeah. Shing us a shong, Piano Man." He started to fall, and Vision was kind enough to help him sit on the bottom step.

"Okay. Fine. One song. Maybe two." Clint sat down at the keyboard and switched it on.

Stark made a show of checking the time. "The second batch should be done about now. You warm up, Barton. I'll take Point Break, and we'll go after it."

Clint didn't get a chance to reply. Thor heaved himself out of the recliner and followed Stark out the back door like a huge puppy. "I have never tried this moonshine before, Metal Man. I _like_ it."

A few minutes later, the men returned. This time, the liquid in the jugs was a reddish color. Clint didn't need to check to know that Stark had used the strawberries from the freezer in this batch. The billionaire and Thor refilled everyone's glasses, including Clint's, and returned to their seats.

Clint played a few chords, took another drink of the new batch of moonshine, stretched his fingers, and placed them on the keyboard. "Because Wilson asked for it…"

 _It's nine o'clock on a Saturday_

"Actually, it's after midnight, Legolas," Stark remarked. Clint ignored him and continued to play.

 _The regular crowd shuffles in  
There's an old man sitting next to me  
Makin' love to his tonic and gin_

 _He says, "Son, can you play me a memory  
I'm not really sure how it goes  
But it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete  
When I wore a younger man's clothes."_

 _Oh, sing us a song, you're the piano man  
Sing us a song tonight  
Well, we're all in the mood for a melody  
And you've got us feelin' alright_

He ended the song with flair, and bore the applause and whistles with dignity. A jug of the moonshine floated into the room, pouring more into each glass. Whatever Stark had done to the still, what had come out had quite a kick, and the strawberry flavor gave it a little sweetness it had been lacking.

"One more song, guys." His hands resting on the keys, Clint though for a moment, and started to play.

 _I want to live,  
I want to give  
I've been a miner  
for a heart of gold  
It's these expressions  
I never give  
That keep me searching  
for a heart of gold  
And I'm getting old  
Keeps me searching  
for a heart of gold  
And I'm getting old_

By the second verse, those who knew the song were drumming on whatever was handy and singing along. Even Wanda, who was always a little shy until she got comfortable in any social situation. She took Rhodey's hand and encouraged him to dance with her. That got everyone else up and dancing too.

 _I've been to Hollywood  
I've been to Redwood  
I crossed the ocean  
for a heart of gold  
I've been in my mind,  
it's such a fine line  
That keeps me searching  
for a heart of gold  
And I'm getting old  
Keeps me searching  
for a heart of gold  
And I'm getting old_

They brought it home, and applauded Clint and themselves. He finished off his drink, and went to get a quick snack. When he returned, the glass was full again. Shrugging, he took another drink, and it gave him an idea. He whistled to get their attention. "Since you're all so find… I mean _fond_ of mu-(hic)-music. I got a brilliant idea."

 **TBC**

 _Piano Man_ is the first single released by Billy Joel. It was released on November 2, 1973. It's Joel's first major hit and his signature song.

 _Heart of Gold_ is a song by Canadian singer-songwriter Neil Young, released in 1972.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Warning: Spoilers for _Avengers: Age of Ultron_.

This is a bit of silliness to keep the insanity going. And I can so see this happening.

Many thanks to ladygris and Lady Pandora for the tag-team beta, and to Dellruby for the massive brainstorming session from which I took much of the party scenes.

Namaste,

Sunny

 _Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional._

~ Chili Davis

 **Avengers**

 **Growing Up Is Optional**

 **Chapter 2**

 **An Hour Later**

All the furniture had been shoved haphazardly in the game room leaving the living room empty except for the entertainment center, the keyboard and the floor lamps.

Clint stood in the middle of the floor, looking over his shoulder. "Ready guys?" He received replies that sort of sounded like agreement, or would had they'd all been sober. Snapping his fingers, he counted off, "1, 2…"

"Wait!" Again, it was Stark. Why couldn't the man let someone else be the center of attention for once? "Why are _you_ singing lead, Legolas?"

Snorting into his cup as he took another drink, Clint swallowed and said, "'Cause it was _my_ freakin' idea."

Standing on Stark's left, Rhodey hiccupped, looked startled and almost fell down. Thor caught him, holding onto his arm until he could stand alone. "He hash a point, Tony."

"Any more objections?" There were none, so Clint faced front again. The Iron Man helmet floated through the air while Jarvis recorded. "From the top, guys, and remember the choreography. 1, 2, a-1, 2, 3, 4…"

 _Blue Moon (Blue moon, blue moon, blue moon) you saw me standin' alone (a-lone, a-lone, a-lone)  
Without a dream in my heart  
Without a love of my own_

Blue Moon (Blue moon, blue moon, blue moon), you knew just what I was there for  
You heard me saying a prayer for  
Someone I really could care for

 _And then suddenly, appeared before me  
The only one my arms could ever hold  
I heard somebody whisper, "Please adore me"_

("Oh, _please_ adore me, Legolas."

"Bite me, Stark.")

 _But when I looked, the moon had turned to gold  
Whoa, oh, oh_

 _Blue Moon (Blue moon, blue moon, blue moon) Now I'm no longer alone (a-lone, a-lone, a-lone)  
Without a dream in my heart  
Without a love of my own  
Without a love of my own_

 **Much Later…**

Standing in the front doorway holding Nathaniel, Laura's jaw dropped open at what she was seeing. When she'd left Friday afternoon, the house was mostly clean. Now it was a disaster area. Food, clothes, cups, glasses, bottles, and people were all over the place. She sent the two older kids upstairs while she looked for her husband. Thank goodness the baby was asleep. In the other room, she lay Nathaniel in the crib, covered him with a blanket, turned on the monitor, and grabbed the receiver on her way out.

The scent of alcohol lingered throughout the downstairs as she stepped over and around the bodies. One such "body" was Tony Stark's Iron Man suit sprawled in the middle of the floor. Mentally shrugging, Laura climbed up to the second floor where she found Thor in her bedroom sitting on the floor watching cartoons, eating Froot Loops with a serving spoon, and drinking from a gallon bottle of milk. Quietly, she closed the door, tiptoeing down the hall, peering into each room. Except for Lila and Cooper, no one else was upstairs.

Laura made her way down to the first floor again, kneeling next to the Iron Man suit. "Mr. Stark?" she whispered. There was no answer so she knocked on the face plate, hearing a groan. "Mr. Stark, what happened here? And where's Clint? I can't find him, and…"

She leaned back when the faceplate opened and Clint was looking up at her. He smiled affectionately. "Oh, hey, babe. You're home early."

Scowling so he would know she was serious, she said, "No, I'm not."

"You're not due back 'till Monday, and it's only Saturday."

Laura helped him sit up. "Clint, our flight got cancelled. It's _Tuesday_."

Clint scrunched up his face, confused. "You sure?"

"I sent you a text." She dug her phone from her jacket pocket and held it up so he could see the date and time.

"Well, I'll be damned." Rolling over onto his knees, Clint got to his feet. He glanced around at the mess, then at Laura. She crossed her arms and tapped her foot. He smiled uneasily. "I'll clean this up." Thor came down the stairs, wearing her robe, his hair wet from the shower. "They'll help." He took a step and looked down at himself. "Hey, how'd I get in the suit? And if I'm in the suit, where's Stark?"

Just then, Lila and Cooper came running down the stairs, easily avoiding all the junk. "Mom! Mom! There's a man sleepin' on the barn roof! He's wearin' a diaper, and he's got Dad's _bow_."

Clint's face brightened into a grin. "Found 'im!"

Opening her mouth to give her husband a reprimand, Laura stopped when she heard voices coming from the game room. She opened the door to see Wanda sitting beside a man with purple skin playing a video game. Hands on her hips, she gave Clint _that_ look. He gave her a sheepish grin and shrugged.

Huffing, Laura turned to her kids, her mind furiously hunting for a plausible reason for a billionaire to be on the roof of the barn dressed as he was, only to find them staring and pointing with their mouths open. Cooper tilted his head to the side. "Mom, why's Aunt Nat stuck to the wall?"

Lila's expression turned to excitement. "Cool! Can I be _next?_ "

~~O~~

Clint looked where they kids were pointing, and there was Natasha, duct taped to the wall. And that wasn't the only weirdness. The Russian was also wearing Thor's cape, and a Superman t-shirt and boxers. Because they were his, the boxers were way too big, and had been stuck to her stomach with tape bearing a bacon design. Taped to Natasha's chest was a red plastic cup with a silly straw sticking out of the top.

He turned to Thor. "Would you wake Natasha up and get her down while I get the suit off?"

"Of course." The Asgardian nodded and bowed over Laura's hand. "Pleasure to meet you again, Lady Laura."

All his wife could do was stare stupidly until Thor turned his back and reached over his head, making the robe ride up. She turned away with a gasp. "Go back upstairs, kids. And stay there until I tell you to come down." They grumbled, but did as they were told. When they were gone, she again faced him, hands on her hips. "Clinton Francis Barton, what the _hell_ happened?"

"Well, it started out as a barbecue, something to cheer up Nat." He looked around at the mess. "Guess it got a little out of hand."

"Ya _think?!_ " was his wife's comment. "I don't see Captain Rogers."

Now that she mentioned it, Clint hadn't seen Rogers, Rhodey or Wilson _or_ Hill. "He's here somewhere. Rhodey, Wilson and Hill are missing too. Jarvis?"

" _What can I do for you, Agent Barton?_ " the voice said inside the helmet.

"First off, don't call me 'agent' in front of my kids. And second, locate Rhodey, Wilson, Hill and Rogers." The faceplate came down, and the HUD appeared in front of him with a map of the area.

Four blue dots flashed with a name next to each one. " _Captain Rogers and Commander Hill are in the barn. Mr. Wilson and Colonel Rhodes are approximately twenty meters inside the tree line south of the home."_

"We better go get them. How do you fly this thing?"

With a long-suffering sigh, Jarvis powered up the suit. " _Leave the flying to me, sir. I'll need you to step outside, please_."

Clint clanked across the wooden floor, out onto the porch and down the steps with Laura following. "What next, J?"

Before Clint could take another breath, they were in the air. His stomach did a little flip, reminding him of the first time he'd done a triple summersault during the high wire act at Carson's. " _Eee-ya!_ I can see why Stark likes this so much. Speaking of, let's get him off the barn before we go after Rhodey and Wilson."

" _As you wish, sir._ " A few minutes later, Clint was laying the still unconscious Stark on the porch sofa. Then, they were off again while Laura saw to their guest. " _Colonel Rhodes is twenty meters in and at an elevation of forty meters. Mr. Wilson is ten meters farther in at a similar height._ "

"What the _hell?_ What're they doing so far off the ground?"

" _Colonel Rhodes and Mr. Wilson engaged in a contest of flying skills. Unfortunately, they were both impaired and crashed into the trees._ "

The two men were just coming to when Clint plucked first one then the other from the trees, setting them down next to the wood pile. Rhodey climbed out of War Machine and Wilson divested himself of the Falcon pack. Both men sat down on a stack of logs, heads in their hands, moaning as Laura came out onto the porch. "I've made coffee, gentlemen. And breakfast will be ready soon."

Wilson looked up at Laura and back to Clint. "That woman is an _angel_."

Clint grinned with pride. "Yes, she is."

Together, Rhodey and Wilson trudged up the stairs and into the house. But Laura didn't follow. Instead, she stared into the distance, pointing. "Clint what's going on over by the pond?"

Jarvis automatically displayed the area on the HUD. The pick-up, a twenty-year old Ford, had the SUV setting across the bed. The tractor on top of the SUV, and precariously balanced on top were two bicycles and three unicycles. "Jarvis, can you enlighten us?"

" _Of course. Mr. Stark bet Ms. Maximoff that she couldn't do it, so she did it to prove him wrong._ "

Huffing, Clint started in that direction. Having gotten the hang of flying the suit, he lifted into the air, bringing everything down one at a time. "J, how do I get out of this thing? I go in the barn like this and the cows won't give milk for a week."

" _Allow me, sir._ "

The next thing Clint knew, he'd been forcibly ejected from the suit. He fell to the ground then got to his feet, brushing dirt from his hands and the knees of his jeans. "A little more warning next time, J."

In the barn, Clint found Rogers and Hill spooned together in a pile of hay, sound asleep. A goat was munching on Rogers' pants leg, and Hill had a baby goat asleep in front of her stomach while the horses, cows and chickens looked on in disapproval. But that wasn't the most shocking sight. The straight-laced no-nonsense SHIELD commander was wearing a pink leotard, tights and a tutu.

In comparison, what Rogers was wearing qualified as merely weird. He wore a cardboard crown that had been decorated with an overabundance of glitter. Hung around his neck on a piece of yarn was a sign, also made with too much glitter. It read, "Brooklyn High Homecoming King, 1940."

Clint kicked them on the soles of their feet. "Rise and shine, you two. Breakfast will be ready soon. And we've got a house to clean before my wife divorces me."

Hill and Rogers groaned as they looked around, bewildered at finding themselves in the barn, and spooned together.

"How'd we get out here," Hill asked.

Rogers stretched, rubbed his eyes and scratched his stomach. "Don't know."

Gesturing for them to go ahead, Clint followed behind, snickering at the words someone had written across the seat of Hill's leotard: The Living End.

By the time they reached the house, Thor had gotten dressed, as had Natasha and Stark, though not in their own clothes. Nat was wearing something of Laura's and Stark wore a pair of Clint's sweatpants and a t-shirt. Clint heard the washer filling, and guessed Laura was washing their clothes.

Clint went to the kitchen to help with making breakfast and serving their guests.

Once everyone had eaten, showered and changed back into their own clothes, they got started on the cleaning. While that was being done, Laura took Nathaniel upstairs where they stayed until the first floor was spotless and the furniture was back in place. The normally boisterous group was, for once, subdued as they watched Laura do a thorough inspection. When she was satisfied, she returned to the living room, meeting each set of eyes with her arms crossed. "What happened?"

Getting to his feet, Rogers clasped his hands behind his back. Though it was technically _Clint's_ place to explain, Cap was their leader. Clint was only too happy to let him try to get them out of trouble. Knowing his wife as he did, he didn't hold out much hope.

"Very sorry about the mess, Mrs. Barton." He shifted his feet. "The last thing _I_ remember was last night when Clint played and sang for us."

"Excuse me, Captain Rogers," Vision's calm voice spoke from his place by the front door. "That was several days ago. It's now Tuesday."

The super soldier looked confused for a moment. "Tuesday? How can I have lost so much time? I don't _get_ drunk."

"We _all_ got drunk, Cap," Stark observed.

"And it's _your_ fault, Stark," Natasha accused. "I don't know what you put in that moonshine, but we were all affected. Even Thor."

Vision took a few steps forward. "Jarvis recorded everything at your behest, Mr. Stark."

Clint was about to decline then Laura moved over to sit next to Natasha on the sofa. "Let's see it."

The android turned on the television, and in moments, the recording of the group singing and dancing to _Blue Moon_ came on. And one by one, they all face palmed. All but Clint. He thought it went well, considering that all the parties involved where drunk. He chuckled. "Wow Rogers, who told you that you could sing?"

A smirk took over Rogers' face. " _You_ did, Barton."

Everyone laughed, and when they were done, Clint replied, " _Man_ , was _I_ ever wrong."

The scene changed, causing a gasp from Hill and Rogers. Clint looked over at her and she was peeking through her fingers in embarrassment, as was Rogers, because the recording now showed the two of them making out on the sofa while the rest of the group were dancing.

Laura rolled her eyes so hard, Clint was surprised it didn't hurt. "I would've expected something like this from Clint and you, Mr. Stark, but not the rest of you." She paced back and forth in front of the group glaring at each one. " _What_ were all of you thinking?" Her hand came up when they all started speaking at once. "Obviously you weren't."

Clint grinned and got Laura in a hug from behind. "Well, you know what they say, babe. Growing _old_ is mandatory; growing _up_ is optional. And we opted out of adulthood for the weekend."

"Get rid of the still, Clint. _Today_." The baby started crying, and Laura brushed Clint's arms aside, muttering under her breath, "I don't have _three_ children. I have _four_ , and all the oldest one's friends. I _really_ need to have my head examined."

~~O~~

One by one, the team gathered around Clint, watching until Laura had disappeared up the stairs and Nathaniel had stopped crying.

"Man, is she _pissed_ ," Wilson commented unnecessarily.

Clint waved a hand. "She'll get over it in a day or four. Stark?"

Even though he couldn't see Stark, Clint still felt his smirk. "I've got just the place for the still." Stark headed for the kitchen for more coffee. "Jarvis, have the unused lab on the eighty-second floor prepared to receive new equipment."

" _As we speak, sir._ "

Natasha nudged Clint's shoulder with hers. "We sure screwed up."

Nodding, Clint agreed, and Rhodey chuckled. "Had fun though."

The rest of the team echoed the sentiment. With a nod, Clint led the way outside and soon, everyone but Stark had gone. Together, they stared into the sky, hands in their pockets until Stark spoke. "You could make some serious coin selling your product."

Though he was intrigued, Clint feigned disinterest. "Oh?"

"I'll have marketing do a mock-up campaign, television, print, Internet, Twitter, design a label. Just as an exercise, you understand. Won't do anything without your say-so."

"Can't hurt to see what's out there."

Clint pulled his hands from his pockets and crossed his arms, and Stark did the same. "It could be a source of income for the wife and kids, just in case."

"True."

Stark walked over to the suit to give it the once-over. "When's she going out of town again?"

"Taking the kids to visit her brother middle of August. Be gone for two weeks."

"You'll miss them terribly."

"Of course," Clint told him in all truthfulness.

The suit opened, Stark stepped inside, and was enclosed within seconds. The faceplate slid open. "When should we be here?"

"Noon-ish. And bring lots of the product."

The faceplate closed. "Will do, Legolas."

And with that parting shot, Stark flew off toward the East and home. Clint played a few air guitar chords, singing as he climbed the stairs, crossed the porch and went inside.

 _Well, if you battle me I feel revile  
People always say my style is wild  
You've got gall, you've got guile  
Step to me, I'm a rap-o-phile_

In the living room, he did a spin followed by a few dance steps.

 _If you wanna battle you're in denial  
Comin' from Uranus to check my style  
Go ahead with my rhymes on trial  
Cast you off into exile_

"Clint!"

He stopped in place, grinned at his wife standing at the bottom of the staircase, and walked into the kitchen, switching over to a Stevie Wonder song.

 _I just called to say I love you_ _  
_ _I just called to say how much I care_ _  
_ _I just called to say I love you_ _  
_ _And I mean it from the bottom of my heart_

 **End**

 _Blue Moon_ is a classic popular song written by Richard Rodgers and Lorenz Hart in 1934. In 1961, it became a number one hit for the doo-wop group The Marcels.

 _Intergalactic_ is a song by American hip-hop group the Beastie Boys.

 _I Just Called to Say I Love You_ is a song written, produced and performed by Stevie Wonder.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** Warning: Spoilers for _Avengers: Age of Ultron_. This is a bit of silliness to keep the insanity going.

Many thanks to ladygris and Lady Pandora for the tag-team Beta.

Namaste,

Sunny

 _Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional._

~ Chili Davis

 **Avengers**

 **Growing Up Is Optional**

 **Chapter 3**

The sun had just dropped behind the trees, casting a cloak of darkness over the Barton farm. Clint's family had gone to visit Laura's brother in South Dakota leaving him all alone. So he did what any lonely family man would do. He invited his friends over for a party.

For the month of August in Washington State the weather was hot, but too much so for cooking out, and again, Tony Stark provided the menu, however, instead of the moonshine they imbibed at the last barbeque, Stark brought beer, wine, bourbon and scotch, along with several unlabeled boxes he wouldn't let anyone open. The boxes had been stashed in the barn until the billionaire was ready for the unveiling.

As the night cooled down, the Avengers moved the party inside. Natasha, Rogers and Hill were playing an interactive video game. Thor was sprawled in the recliner. He, along with Rhodey, Wilson and Wanda were binging the last two seasons of _The Walking Dead_.

Clint washed the dishes while Stark dried and put away. "You going to tell me what's in the boxes, Stark?"

"Your family's future, Legolas. R&D made an analysis of the product, and determined that, in its alcoholic form, approval from the FDA would be impossible, given the effect it has on the human body."

"There goes _that_ idea."

Stark finished drying the plate he was holding, put it away, and closed the cabinet. "Not to worry. They came up with an alternative."

Clint let the water out, cleaned the sink, and dried his hands while leaning against the counter. "And that's what's in the boxes."

Stark hung the damp dish towel over the towel bar and pointed a thumb over his shoulder. "Let's bring it in, and pass it out. See what the committee thinks of the new product."

The men returned from the barn carrying the boxes. Stark took several bottles from each and lined them up on the kitchen table. The clear bottles were labeled with the flavor, a list of ingredients and the nutrition labels. "Five flavors, strawberry-kiwi, peach, white grape, blueberry-pomegranate, and raspberry-watermelon."

"Raspberry-watermelon?"

"What can I say? It tested well with the focus groups, especially the fourteen-to-twenty demographic."

Clint blinked at his friend. "Focus groups?"

"There were two flavors that didn't make in the test market."

"Um, test market?"

Stark made a face. "Are you going to repeat _everything_ I say?"

Arms and ankles crossed, Clint held in all that he wanted to just blurt out, saying instead, "I thought it was all theoretical."

The billionaire waved away Clint's concerns. "We had to move fast to fill in the hole after a black mold outbreak at their main bottling plant put Agostina's rep _and_ stocks in the toilet."

Pushing off the counter, Clint's temper rose. "Please tell me you didn't engineer it just to get this product on the market."

"Couldn't do it if I wanted to. Don't have the skills. Banner does, but he's not around." Stark waved a hand. "It was just a serendipitous concurrence of events."

"For _you_ ," Clint accused.

"For _us_ , Barton. I bought the company for a _song_ , had the original plants destroyed, and the property decontaminated. At this very moment, Stark Industries is rebuilding with state-of-the-art equipment. The business plan is to have limited production and distribution by Thanksgiving, nationwide by spring, and world-wide shipping within two years."

"What about the employees you put out of work? What's gonna happen to them?"

Stark opened the refrigerator and pulled out a plate of deviled eggs. "Not only did they get a generous severance package, each and every one of them was immediately hired by the new owner," he gestured at himself proudly. "They are, at this moment, being trained on the new equipment, and will be ready to go live November 1st."

Settling his feet shoulder width apart, Clint crossed his arms. "So what's the split on this?"

"Seventy-thirty, which is just enough to cover costs. Already set up a trust fund for the wife and kids, Legolas. Your seventy percent goes straight into the account where it will sit around making even more money."

"Seventy…" Clint was stunned, and humbled by Stark's generosity, and couldn't wait to tell Laura. "For that I should've had a say in some aspect of its creation."

"Still needs a name."

Still somewhat overwhelmed, Clint considered and discarded several possibilities. Then, it came to him. "Sweet Bay Soft Drinks."

Stark thought it over and nodded his approval on his way into the pantry. He came out carrying disposable cups which he set on the table with the bottles then went to the living room doorway. "Avengers assemble at the kitchen table, _s_ _'il vous plaît_."

The game and the television were turned off as the group filed in, Rhodey and Wilson claiming the seats on either side of Wanda. Hill sat next to Rogers. They tried to hide it, but Clint could tell they were smitten with each other. Thor claimed the chair to the right of the one on the end, and Natasha leaned against the counter.

Hands resting on the back of the chair at the end of the table, Clint made certain he had everyone's attention. "I'm sure we all remember what happened at the last barbeque." He waited out the chuckles and groans. "As embarrassing as it was for everyone concerned, that situation brought me and my family to a new venture that wouldn't have been possible without Stark's help."

While Clint was talking, Stark handed out cups of the product, handing Clint one and keeping the last for himself. Clint raised his cup. "Let's drink a toast to Sweet Bay Soft Drinks."

Clint held in his laughter when each of his friends sniffed the product before drinking. Of the group, only Clint, Stark and Thor drank without taking a cautious first sip. He expected to hear complaints from Natasha regarding the non-alcoholic nature. But when he caught her eye, she smiled and lifted her glass. For her, it was high praise. Clint and Stark did an exploding fist bump.

 **The Next Day**

As Barton was Lord of the Manor, Thor was more than happy to abide by his commands for the task he wished to complete while his family was away. Barton had asked that his friends assist with the remodeling of what had previously been the game and dining rooms into a work area for Lady Laura, and the children. Thor felt honored to be included in such a venture with cherished friends.

It was odd seeing Natasha, Commander Hill and Wanda in working attire. Until today, he'd not seen them other than impeccably dressed. Now, they wore old clothes, and had their hair covered with scarves.

The morning meal and clean-up were done, and the group now stood around the computer while Barton went over the details displayed on the computer screen.

"… Once everything's been moved, the first thing we'll do is knock out the east wall. We'll strip the wallpaper and the wood floors, and remove the baseboards, and put in baffles to reduce noise. With all of us working together, we should be done before Laura and the kids get back.

"We have leftovers from the barbeque for lunch. Instead of cooking dinner, I'll call in an order, and someone can drive into town to pick it up. Pizza, Chinese, Italian, whatever you want."

Moving the furniture and other items took only a short time. They stacked everything in the living room, leaving a path to the facilities. Some items were placed in the back of the service vehicle to be taken into town. Thor gathered that they would be donated to those less fortunate. As always, he was proud of his teammates and their desire to do what they could for others.

"Thor. You're up."

Nodding, Thor hefted Mjölnir in his right hand, swinging sideways at the wall, and hitting it in the exact center. The house shook with the force of the blow. Huge cracks radiated out from the impact, bits of plaster falling to the floor. There was a pause, then the wall crumbled leaving just the wood frame. Several smaller hits took out what remained.

Rogers, Stark, Rhodey and Wilson carried the heavier pieces outside while Barton, Romanoff and Maximoff swept up the rest, dumping it all into a metal refuse container lined with a bag. Thor carried the hammer to the other room to get it out of the way. Through the window, he saw the four men laughing as they removed the nails, and stacked the wood pieces with the rest for burning in the winter months.

Looking out over the land with nothing to obscure the view save the barn, Thor felt a peace he hadn't in a long time, except when he was with the love of his life, Jane Foster.

Turning from the window, he returned to the room to find Wanda standing in the middle of the floor. She raised her arms to the side, concentrating on her task. The baseboards pulled loose, and floated out the back door, falling neatly into a stack near the wood pile. That done, she curled her fingers in a grasping motion, and the old wallpaper separated from the walls, rolled into tubes and fell into the refuse container.

Barton put them to work preparing the walls with the baffling while Stark and Rhodey drove into town to deliver the donations and pick up additional supplies.

Because they had the task well in hand, Thor stepped outside, standing for a moment to breathe air that smelled clean, unlike that of the city called Manhattan where Stark lived and the Avengers maintained their headquarters.

Animal noises disturbed his thoughts, and Thor took the stairs in one bound, headed for the corral. Upon his arrival, two horses approached him. One nudged his pocket, looking for a snack. "I am sorry, my friend. I've brought nothing to share. Perhaps my company will do for now, eh?"

The animal seemed to understand, its enormous head nodding. He rubbed the noses and down the necks of both animals, enjoying their calming influence.

 **A Week Later**

Backed up by his friends, Clint looked over the new work area he'd designed for Laura.

A door now led into the laundry room. A table for sorting and folding clothes was pushed up against the wall. A small closet held all the cleaning supplies plus the ironing board and iron.

Across from the laundry area, Clint had placed the sewing machine, moved there by Rogers from the upstairs guest room.

At the far end, he'd created a craft area for the kids. Several sets of stacked drawers on wheels in bright colors held all the craft supplies. A kid-sized table with chairs sat waiting to be used.

The downstairs crib fit neatly in one corner next to the desk where the computer would go.

The room was open and inviting, but still felt incomplete. Clint had planned on painting a mural on the far wall. However, his attempts at drawing had been epic failures. Rogers had tried his hand, but nothing he came up with fit Clint's vision.

A warm hand touched him on the arm, and Wanda smiled when he glanced at her. "What is troubling you, Clint?"

He shrugged one shoulder and nodded. "I want a mural on that wall. Just can't get it to come out the way it is in my head." Her green eyes showed sympathy at his plight. They also told him she had a solution. Taking a deep breath, he nodded. "Do it, Wanda. _Now_ , before I change my mind."

Wanda closed her eyes and concentrated. Her eyebrows drew together over her nose. "You are still fighting me, Clint. You have my word that I will look at nothing else while I am in your mind."

Clint's eyes snapped open at Stark's caustic, "Sure you want to wander through the cesspool that's Barton's mind, Wanda?"

Glaring good naturedly at the billionaire, Clint shot back, " _My_ mind is a walk in the park compared to what's inside yours, Stark."

To Stark, Wanda said, "You forget that I was linked with my brother when he was killed. There is nothing that can compare to feeling the life of a loved one end in such a brutal way."

~~O~~

Wanda's emotional pronouncement had its intended effect. Clint's barriers dropped, and she was able to see his vision along with the guilt and sorrow he still harbored that her brother had died to save his life. Pietro had always been what the Americans called a smarta$$, but he was also kind, passionate, and carried a strong sense of justice.

Curling her fingers in toward the palms, she focused her powers on the images she'd seen in Clint's mind. The paints and brushes still sitting in one corner rose into the air and floated over to the table.

Extending her fingers as if flicking water from them, she willed the brushes of all sizes to do her biding. They dabbed and danced over the wall's surface, and soon, distinct shapes and patterns began to emerge. Without meaning to, Wanda peeked into Clint's mind again to see if he approved of the work, and felt his awe that she could reproduce his thoughts so precisely.

When the mural was complete, the brushes floated into the mud room to clean themselves in the sink. She waited for Clint to say something. Instead of speaking, he sent her one last mental image. Smiling, she floated a thin brush into the black paint and over to the wall where it inscribed a short phrase.

 _Our journey is just beginning…_

Inside her mind, Wanda saw Clint's enthusiastic approval. Out loud, he said, "That works."

Wanda received praise from the others, bearing it with some embarrassment. All she'd done was reproduce the images from Clint's thoughts.

Clint clapped his hands. "This calls for revels. Winter comes early to this part of the state so this'll probably be the last time we can barbeque until spring."

"Point Break and I'll go into town for food while you get the grill ready and the house in order. We don't want Lady Barton and the Mini-Bartons to come home to a hot mess like last time." Stark held up his right hand and Clint tossed him a set of keys.

"I will go with you as well, Mr. Stark," Wanda declared in a firm voice, letting him know it wasn't a request.

"Have it your way. But if I start seeing dead people again, you're walking."

 **Late Afternoon**

Music played while the group danced in the grass. There was no pairing up for the fast songs. Everyone pretty much did their own thing. Natasha, Maria Hill and Wanda were the only women. Each took a turn slow dancing with the men without complaint. At least not out loud.

The party started winding down, and Clint climbed the steps to sit on the porch swing, using one foot to keep it in motion. He was missing his family though they Skyped each night before the kids went to bed. He had to admit that, if he couldn't be with his wife and kids, second best was having his friends around him.

Stark came up the stairs and took a seat at the opposite end of the swing. "I want to thank you for hosting this little shindig, Barton. I love New York, don't get me wrong. But now and then, it's good to get away from the city."

Clint smacked the billionaire on the leg. "You up for a duet, Stark?"

Intrigued, Stark asked, "What did you have in mind?"

Grinning, Clint named the song, and Stark agreed. Wanda was just coming out of the house and overheard. Her eye lit up. "It was Pietro's favorite song. We used to sing it together. May I join you?"

"Sure. You can be Tina to our Ike and company," Clint agreed.

A few minutes later, Clint shut off the canned music and had the others gather at the bottom of the steps. "Our first barbeque set a precedence that Wanda, Stark and I would like to continue. No, we're not getting drunk again. We're gonna do a song for you. Feel free to join in."

Stark continued, "You all know _Proud Mary_." All but Thor indicated they did. "It was first recorded by CCR, but we're going to do the Ike and Tina Turner version."

Clint gestured with the remote. "We'll start out nice and easy then we'll rough it up a little."

"'Cause that's the way the Avengers roll," Stark added, invoking laughter from their audience.

Snapping her fingers to set the beat, Wanda moved a half step in front of Stark and Clint, and began singing. Her voice was soulful and stirring, coming from her heart.

 _And we're rollin', rollin', rollin' on the river  
Listen to the story now…_

 __ _Left a good job in the city_

Taking his voice down an octave, Stark joined in…

 _Workin' for the man ev'ry night and day  
And I never lost one minute of sleepin'  
Worryin' 'bout the way things might have been_

Clint added his smoky tenor to the mix…

 _Big wheel keep on turnin'  
Proud Mary keep on burnin'  
Rollin', rollin', rollin' on the river_

 _Cleaned a lot of plates in Memphis  
Pumped a lot of pane down in New Orleans  
But I never saw the good side of the city  
'Til I hitched a ride on a river boat queen_

 _Big wheel keep on turning  
The proud Mary keep on burning  
And we're rollin', rollin' ,rollin', rollin' on the river  
Said we're __Rollin', rollin', rollin'_ _(rollin')  
Rollin' on the river (rollin' on the river)_

The music sped up, and the audience clapped along. A few even danced.

 _I left a good job in the city  
Workin' for the man every night and day  
And I never lost one minute of sleepin'  
Worryin' 'bout the way things might have been_

 _Big wheel keep on turning  
Proud Mary keep on burning  
_ _Rollin', rollin', rollin' on the river_

 _Cleaned a lot of plates in Memphis  
Pumped a lot of pain down in New Orleans  
But I never saw the good side of the city  
'Till I hitched a ride on a riverboat queen_

 _Big wheel keep on turnin'  
Proud Mary keep on burnin'  
And we're rollin', rollin' ,rollin'  
Rollin' on the river  
Said we're rollin', rollin' ,rollin'  
Rollin' on the river_

 _If you come down to the river  
I bet you gonna find some people who live  
You don't have to worry if you got no money  
People on the river are happy to give_

 _Big wheel keep on turnin'  
Proud Mary keep on burnin'  
Rollin', said rollin'  
Rollin' on the river  
Rollin', rollin'  
Rollin' on the river_

 _Rollin', rollin'  
Rollin' on the river  
Rollin', rollin'  
Rollin' on the river  
Rollin', rollin'  
Rollin' on the river_

The trio brought the song to a rousing close, eating up the applause. The men got into a friendly shoving match, while Wanda rolled her eyes.

 **The Next Afternoon**

Laura and the kids waved to the car service as the driver made a tight U-turn and headed toward town. As they neared the house, Laura's stomach dropped. Next to the wood pile stood the Iron Man and War Machine suits. The Falcon's wing pack leaned against a stack of wood nearly ten feet high. Enough to last all winter.

She climbed the steps, turning to peer at the roof of the barn. Thankfully, it was Stark free. She reached for the door, and stopped, turning her head to the side, hearing music and laughter. With dread, she let herself and the kids into the house. Unlike the last time, the living room was spotless… and empty. Following the music through the kitchen to the back door, she found her husband and his friends cooking out, dancing, and playing volleyball.

Lila tugged on her shirt. "Mommy, didn't you tell Daddy he couldn't have a party while we were at Uncle Duane's?"

"Yes, honey. I did."

Cooper pushed between them. "Oh, man. Dad's in trouble!"

Before confronting Clint, Laura made a quick tour of the house, finding nothing out of place except… Why was there a red, white and blue ribbon across the dining room door?

Laura laid the sleeping Nathaniel in his playpen, and opened the back door. Thor was the first to notice her.

Thor came forward to take her hand, bowing over it in a courtly manor. "Welcome home, Lady Laura, Miss Lila, and you as well, young Cooper."

"It's good to see you again, Thor. What's going on?"

Lila tugged on his shirt, begging to be noticed. She smiled at him, and the big man lifted her onto his shoulders. "Much has happened in your absence. May I escort you?"

Laura tucked her hand around Thor's immense bicep, letting him lead her to the volleyball game. Clint, Rhodey and Wanda were on one team, while Tony, Sam, and Nat were on the other. There was good-natured shoving and name calling that stopped when they saw her and the kids.

Clint rushed over. "Hey babe. How was your trip?"

"I'll tell you later." Thor swung Lila in a circle making her giggle before placing her in Clint's arms and leaving the family alone. "I thought we agreed no more parties."

"Relax. Nobody got drunk this time." He whistled to get everyone's attention. "It's time for the unveiling."

Amid noisy greetings and pounding footsteps on the wooden porch, the group filed into the kitchen, standing back to watch. Clint handed Laura a pair of scissors. Still confused, Laura snipped the ribbon and pushed the door open, gasping at the sight. "Oh, Clint…"

"So, what d'you think? Great, huh? It's got soundproofing so the kids won't bother you while you're working. There's also a craft area, sewing, laundry. An area for writing. Whatever you want."

She faced the Avengers with a delighted smile. "Thanks, all of you. It's perfect."

~~O~~

Nathaniel started crying, and Steve rushed to pick him up. The boy stared at him with wide eyes. "Hey, little guy. How you doing?"

Clint warmed a bottle and handed it to him. The boy sucked eagerly, gazing at Steve as if he hung the moon. Maria came to his side, and Steve encouraged her to hold the bottle, looking a little awkward. To Clint and Laura, she said, "Formula, Barton? I thought you'd use the real stuff."

Laura pressed her lips together to keep from laughing. Clint didn't bother. "It _is_ the real stuff, Hill."

Startled, Maria snatched her hand back. Nathaniel grasped the bottle with both hands, his eyes moving from Steve to Maria and back. When the bottle was empty, Steve handed it to Stark who took it into the kitchen. "Ready for a burp, Nathaniel?"

Maria surprised Steve, and the others to go by their expressions, when she said, "Let me."

Clint brought her a cloth, giving her a dubious glance. "You've done this before, Hill?"

"How hard can it be?" She tossed the cloth over her shoulder, and accepted the boy, holding him under the arms, uncertain exactly what to do.

"Lay him over your shoulder, and rub his back," Clint told her. "If that doesn't work, gently pat his back. Walking around helps too."

Moving awkwardly, Maria got Nathaniel in place. He wasn't complaining as she rubbed his back, but he also wasn't burping. "What am I doing wrong?"

Laura joined the group, giving Maria an indulgent smile. "Want me to take him?"

Steve expected Maria to pass the child to his mother. However, she surprised everyone, especially Steve, when she offhandedly remarked, "No thanks. I need the practice."

The room went quiet for a stunned moment. Then Stark punctured the silence, declaring loudly, "O-M-G! Hill's got a bun in the oven!"

 **End?**

 _The Walking Dead_ is an American horror drama television series developed by Frank Darabont, based on the comic book series of the same name by Robert Kirkman, Tony Moore, and Charlie Adlard. It premiered on cable channel AMC on October 31, 2010. The show's lead character is sheriff's deputy Rick Grimes, who awakens from a months-long coma to confront a post-apocalyptic world overrun by zombies.

 _Proud Mary_ is a rock song written by John Fogerty and first recorded by his band Creedence Clearwater Revival. The song was released by Fantasy Records January 1969. The Ike and Tina Turner cover was released in 1970.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** Warning: Spoilers for _Avengers: Age of Ultron_.

Many thanks to Lady Pandora for the Beta.

Namaste,

Sunny

 _Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional._

~ Chili Davis

 **Avengers**

 **Growing Up Is Optional**

 **Chapter 4**

Steve forced his lungs to do their work, taking several deep breaths to calm his racing heart. "Maria? Are you…"

"Pregnant? Yes." She looked around at the stunned faces of their friends. "In eight months, give or take, Captain America, Junior will making his or her debut."

He leaned close to whisper in her ear, even knowing it would be futile with their friends standing so close. "But it was just the one time! How could…"

Maria let one side of her mouth twitch upward in a half-smirk. "Once is all it takes, Rogers. Though technically, it was _five_ times in one night." Nathaniel chose that moment to let loose with a belch worthy of a frat pledge. "Good boy!"

Thor laughed while Maria swayed and patted the boy's back. "Your son will be a mighty warrior, Barton."

Laura and Clint both protested, Clint's voice winning out. "No, no, no! My kids are gonna become doctors or test pilots or contractors. Something safe. _No_ avenging for them."

"Nice theory, Legolas," Stark broke in, his tone as always with a layer of sarcasm. "However, you should take into account the fact that your kids are as hardheaded and stubborn as you are."

Sam crossed his arms. "He's got a point, Barton."

Glad to have the attention shifted from Maria and himself, Steve stayed quiet, letting the conversation flow around him. He turned to speak to Maria, seeing her disappear up the stairs with Laura, still carrying Nathaniel. Steve backed up and quietly made his way out to the porch. He leaned against the railing staring out over the rolling hills.

 _I'm going to be a father!_

That little voice just kept echoing inside his head, over and over. Aliens, Nazis, assassins, terrorist organizations, megalomaniacs, murder-bots. He'd gone up against them all, and more. Yet nothing scared him more than knowing he would be responsible for the life of a small child. He never expected to have children. Hadn't even known it was possible. But there was no way he'd let Maria go through this alone.

His mind made up, Steve went back inside, taking the stairs two at a time. The door to the nursery was closed, and through it, he could hear Laura and Maria talking. He raised his hand to knock then thought better of it. What he had to say should be said in private, just the two of them.

Steve returned to the first floor, now devoid of people. His friends and Clint's two older kids had gone outside to continue their volleyball game. Thor chased the kids around the yard roaring like a… what did he call it? A bilgesnipe.

What Steve really needed was to clear his head, and he couldn't do that with everyone around. Leaving by the front door, he headed for the barn. In the tack room, he found a bridle. At the corral, only one of the horses came over to greet him. He gave the animal a nose scratch before slipping the bridle over his head. The horse-Clint said his name was Koda-walked to the gate. Steve let him out and secured the gate. He jumped onto his back, gathered the reins, and clicked his tongue to get the animal going. Once out of sight of the house, he tapped Koda's flank with his heels. "Gi'-up!"

~~O~~

From the back yard, Stark and Thor watched Steve ride away. Clint came up beside them, seemingly unconcerned at the implication. Thor glanced at the hammer sitting in an inconspicuous corner of the porch. "Shall I go after him?"

Clint shook his head. "He just needs a little time."

Stark raised his chin. "Sure about that? Could be the start of a major freak-out. One of us should talk some sense into him before he leaves Hill barefoot and pregnant."

Again, Clint indicated negative. "He won't. I did the same thing when Laura told me Cooper was on the way. He'll come back when he gets his head on straight, or he gets hungry."

Wanda came to join them. In her spandex shorts, sports bra, and cross trainers, she looked like a professional athlete. "Steve's mind is strong with few mental barriers. I sensed his dismay that the first time he was intimate with a woman, she became pregnant."

Natasha appeared at Sam's side with her hand out. He slapped a twenty into her outstretched palm. She folded the bill and slid it into her cleavage with a smirk. "Told you."

They went back to their game, and soon forgot about the soap opera playing out in their midst.

Sometime later, the back door slammed. Rhodey sidled over to Stark, tossing the volleyball back and forth. "Let's not say anything about…"

"About what?" The men turned as one at the sound of Maria's voice behind them.

Rhodey glanced left and right looking for inspiration. None was forthcoming. "That we're…

Stark finished the sentence when Rhodey faltered, "…having Indian for dinner." Her unblinking stare made Stark want to fidget. To stop it, he exhaled loudly. "We didn't want to tell you this, but your baby-daddy's taken a powder."

Maria's expression didn't change. "Saw from the upstairs window. Steve is not the love 'em and leave 'em type. He'll be back." She shrugged and turned away, a set of keys dangling from one hand, and a sheet of paper in the other. "Laura made a grocery list. Who wants to ride into town with me to pick it up?"

"I will go, Maria," Wanda separated herself from the group. "Let me change first."

When the young woman had gone inside, Maria cast her eyes over the men and Natasha, softening her normal glare with a smile. "I appreciate that all of you were, in your own way, defending my honor, but it's not necessary. No matter how things work out, I'm good."

Thor touched Maria on the shoulder. "Whatever fate has in store for you and your child, know that you have friends who care, and will help in any way they can."

"I know, Thor. And thanks."

A few minutes later, Wanda came out, having changed into jeans, sandals, and a tank top. Together the women headed for the pick-up. Maria opened the driver's door, but before she could get in, Wanda held up a hand, her head tilted to the side as if listening to something only she could hear. "Steve is returning."

"That didn't take long," Clint remarked to no one in particular.

The pounding of horse's hooves drew close, and the bay burst out of the trees. The super-soldier pulled hard on the reins to bring the beast to a halt.

He jumped down, handed the reins to Clint, and pointed at Maria. "Don't leave," he ordered. Without waiting for an answer, Steve covered the distance to the house in just a few strides, taking the steps in one bound. The screen door slammed then all was quiet. That is until he came out again. "I'm driving."

Surrendering without a fight, Maria went around to the passenger side, giving Wanda an apologetic shrug that turned into confusion when the young woman gathered her into a quick hug. She went to Thor's side, watching as the pick-up drove away.

Wilson pointed his chin at the cloud of dust kicked up by the truck. "What was _that_ all about?"

Crossing her arms, Wanda smiled. It was the sort of smile that said she knew something they didn't. "Do not worry about Maria and Steve. All will be well now."

~~O~~

Maria's best guess, they'd gone about ten miles when Steve suddenly pulled over to the side of the road, shut the truck off, and just sat there gripping the steering wheel. Maria heard cracking and reached over to touch Steve on the hand before he broke Clint's truck. His head jerked to the side, as if he'd forgotten she was there. "Steve…"

Before Maria could say more, he got out and walked around to the passenger side, opened her door and held out his hand. "Come with me. Please."

She took his hand, and let him lead her through a grove of trees to a small pond. It was too shallow for swimming or boating, but just right for meditation, or committing a murder. Maria was certain Steve's motive for bringing her here did not include homicide.

He led her to a large rock that was relatively flat on top. "Have a seat."

It sounded like an order, but Maria took it as a request. She crossed her ankles, watching Steve pace back and forth while rubbing the back of his neck. It was something he did while thinking, and she doubted he even realized it. The urge to speak was almost more than she could stand, but she stayed quiet for his sake. Her announcement had come out of the blue, she knew, and he was still dealing.

Finally, he stopped moving, and shoved his hands in his pockets, his right clenching in a fist as if he wanted to hit something. "I'm not sure where to start."

"The beginning?" Maria's flip reply earned her a sharp glare. "Sorry. You were saying?"

"We didn't talk about it that night. Using birth control, I mean. I just assumed…"

This she could work with, his belief that it was his fault. In a way, he would be right, but not as right as he thought. "And you'd be right. I was using a contraceptive for a medical condition."

Crossing his arms, Steve nodded understanding though his eyes told a different story. "Then how…"

A rueful smile turned up the corners of her mouth. "Other medications can render contraceptives less effective. Combine that with your super-powered DNA and, viola! Baby. I hadn't planned on telling you in front of everyone."

His snort included a small smile. "It would've been nice to not be blindsided. But that's not why we're here."

Taken aback, Maria blinked several times. "No?"

"No." Steve's hand came out of his pockets as he took several small steps until he was close enough to touch her. "What I'm about to say has only a little to do with the fact that you're having my baby.

"Maria, we've been dating a while now, and were only, uh, together that one time. I lost someone I cared about because I was afraid to tell her how I felt. Not making _that_ mistake again.

"My plan was simple. Take you on a romantic picnic in the same park where we had our first date. Then, we'd go for a stroll around the lake to where we had our first real kiss where I would say…" he knelt in front of her, and Maria forgot to breathe when he held out a gold ring with a single diamond set into it, "I love you, Maria. Will you marry me?'"

 **Later That Afternoon**

Clint sat at the small desk in the room he shared with his wife, looking over the documents Stark had given him regarding Sweet Bay Soft Drinks. He had to admit that having a rich friend was one of the perks of being an Avenger. Stark called his attorney to have the contract drawn up, and had flown to New York to pick it up himself. All that remained was for Clint and Laura to sign. However, Clint wanted to have his attorney look it over first.

He felt Laura come up behind him a moment before she laid her hands on his shoulders and began massaging the muscles. "We should add a couple of rooms onto the house if your friends are going to be staying over so often."

That was just the opening Clint had been waiting for. "Now that you mention it, I have a few ideas."

She came around to sit on his lap. "Or maybe a guest house."

"There's an idea." In the yard, their friends were playing with the kids. "How long have Rogers and Hill been gone? If they don't get back soon, we won't eat until midnight."

Chuckling, Laura got up and went to the closet to go through her clothes, examining and rejecting one dress after another. "Are you really that dense, babe?"

"Please enlighten me. What am I missing this time?"

"I wouldn't be surprised if Steve and Maria came back engaged."

Clint scoffed. "Just because Hill's knocked up doesn't mean… wait. We're talking about Captain America here." He shook a finger at her. "He's probably had a ring for weeks trying to find the right time."

"Exactly." Her hand slipped into his. "I'm going to feed the kids and get their baths." At the door, she faced him again. "You could give them a call."

Clint waved his hands. "No way! I do _not_ wanna interrupt them if they're," he made air quotes, which he knew annoyed his wife, "celebrating."

"Good boy."

He scooted past her into the hall, already headed for the stairs. "I'll get Stark to do it."

~~O~~

Later that night, after the kids had gone to bed and everyone had eaten, Laura sat next to Clint listening to the music playing softly in the background.

As expected, Steve and Maria turned up just after sunset, beaming with happiness, and Maria wearing a diamond on her left hand. The women admired the ring while Steve gave a short history of it.

"My mother worked in the TB ward at the hospital. A few months before she died, she gave me the ring. Said it belonged to her mother, and that I should give it to the woman I would marry." He looked over at Maria. "I carried it with me until I met Dr. Erskine. The day before the experiment, he encouraged me to place all my valuables in a safety deposit box, just in case."

Holding her hand out, Maria looked at the ring curiously. "You've had it cleaned since then, right?"

"Of course."

The happy couple got up to get drinks, and Laura leaned close to Clint. "I had a hunch we'd be getting a wedding announcement soon. Maria's so independent, I wasn't sure she'd say yes. Not that having a baby without benefit of marriage is a big deal these days."

Clint huffed good-naturedly at her. "That would be a problem for Rogers. He has an old fashioned way of looking at relationships. And I don't think he's wrong."

Laura held her husband's hand. "If she'd said no, _then_ it would've become a problem for Steve."

The second Clint started humming, Laura knew she'd made a mistake, but rather than chastise him for his impertinence, she let it ride. He switched to singing, and one by one, all but the newly engaged couple were singing. It was the choice of song that made Steve and Maria roll their eyes.

 _How do you solve a problem like Maria?  
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?  
How do you find the word that means Maria?  
A flibbertigibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!_

 _Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her  
Many a thing she ought to understand  
But how do you make her stay and listen to all you say  
How do you keep a wave upon the sand?_

 _Oh, how do you solve a problem like Maria?  
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?_

The last note faded away, thankfully. Through the baby monitor, Nathaniel made those little noises that meant he was about to wake up and would need to be fed and changed. Laura excused herself, and just as the front door closed, she spied Tony taking her seat next to Clint, no doubt cooking up another scheme. Her husband could be serious when the situation called for it. The rest of the time, he was like an overgrown child. Always getting into mischief, or at least thinking about it. Mentally rolling her eyes, she reflected that Clint's playful side was one of the reasons she fell in love with him.

 **The Barton Farm**

 **One Week Later**

The yard was lit with twinkling lights twining in and around silk ivy, giving the area a fairy-like quality. It had been Laura's idea. Maria didn't care for it, but since she and Clint were kind enough to host the wedding and reception, she wouldn't complain. Same with the dress and the little white flowers in her hair. Both symbolized purity, and she was way beyond that, but Laura and Natasha could be persuasive when they put their minds to it.

The only thing that had tempted her to call the whole thing off was the fact that Stark insisted on officiating. But for Steve's, and her father's sakes, she smiled and bit her tongue. The relationship with her father had only recently been somewhat repaired, and she didn't want to rock the boat.

"…by the power vested in me by the Ministries of Marriage Ordination online website, I now pronounce you married. Kiss the bride, Old Man, so we can get the reception started."

Steve gripped her shoulders loosely, and leaned down for a brief kiss to applause from their friends and family. The only sad note was the absence of Steve's best friend, Bucky. He still hadn't been located, though there were rumors, and suspected sightings in and around D.C. where he'd last been seen.

Clint and Laura, in addition to hosting the wedding and reception, had also insisted on doing the cooking, the scent from the grill making Maria's stomach growl. She'd been lucky so far. No morning sickness. One reason she'd been reluctant to tell Steve about the pregnancy had more to do with why her mother had died in childbirth. It was possible that she'd inherited the same condition, and if she lost the baby or she too died giving birth, Steve would be as devastated as her father had been. The difference being that Steve wouldn't blame their child.

She felt resentment for her father rising, and rushed to quash it as Steve returned to her side carrying glasses of Clint's new business venture, Sweet Bay Soft Drinks. Steve said he too would abstain from alcohol for the duration of her pregnancy, and that made her love him more.

Sam had taken on the role of Steve's best man, while Natasha performed the maid of honor duties. Not that there was much to do. With only a week to prepare, there had been no traditional bachelor and bachelorette parties. Likewise, they had wanted to dispense with the first dance, father/daughter, and son/mother dances. But yet again, Laura and Natasha had intervened. Steve's mother was long gone. Wanda had volunteered to take her place, and he'd accepted at Maria's urging.

Maria tuned back into the conversation around her. Sam was just finishing up his best man speech.

"…Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in a toast to the happy couple. May their love last forever and a day."

Stark had also appointed himself as the DJ. "The next order of business is the first dance, and I have it on good authority that the Old Man has finally learned to cut a rug."

Steve rolled his eyes, and Maria gave him a sheepish shrug. Taking his hand, she led the way to the improvised dance floor. The song they chose was a combination of old and new. And once Steve heard it, he agreed it was perfect.

They got into position, and the music started. Steve moved them around the floor with confidence, his steps sure. No hesitation.

 _I'll always remember the song they were playin'  
The first time we danced and I knew.  
As we swayed to the music and held to each other  
I fell in love with you._

Steve placed his mouth close to Maria's ear. " _Moonlight Serenade_."

He felt her smile against his cheek. "We were outside, and it started raining."

"I wanted to make love to you so much that night."

 _Could I have this dance for the rest of my life?  
Would you be my partner then every night?  
When we're together it feels so right.  
Could I have this dance for the rest of my life?_

Maria moved her hand to the side of his neck. "Too bad we were interrupted."

He moved back so he could see her face. "Seeing you wearing my t-shirt is when I knew I loved you."

 _I'll always remember that magic moment  
When I held you close to me  
As we moved together, I knew forever  
You're all I'll ever need._

 _Could I have this dance for the rest of my life?  
Would you be my partner every night?  
When we're together it feels so right  
Could I have this dance for the rest of my life?_

"…and now we're having a baby," she reminded him.

"I guess growing up _isn't_ optional."

 **TBC**

 _M_ _aria_ , sometimes known as _How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?_ is a show tune from the 1959 Rodgers and Hammerstein musical, _The Sound of Music._

 _Could I Have This Dance_ is a song recorded by Canadian music artist Anne Murray, released August 1980.

 _Moonlight Serenade_ is an American swing ballad composed by Glenn Miller with subsequent lyrics by Mitchell Parish. It was released in May 1939 as an instrumental arrangement.


End file.
